It is becoming clear to me that being single is the way forward. Okay so I may have spent the majority of the last six weeks wishing that I was back with him, and a large percentage of time in tears...but I'm still resolute in the idea that single is better. Since I split with Luke six weeks ago, I've already had two men treat me like complete crap. I haven't been sleeping around, which seems to be the way some women cope with splits, but I think I was just trying to look for another relationship on the rebound.
Either way neither of them was the right way to go because I've ended up more hurt than I would have been anyway. Now I haven't just got the nasty split with Luke on my mind but also the fact that both of these idiots treated me like crap and I keep wondering why. Luke is still texting me. I know I shouldn't get back with him. When he first came home from his deployment and finished with me because it was "hard" (bollocks) I was so desperate to be with him that I didn't stop to think that I was actually enjoying my life without him. So when he came crawling back-as always- I was absolutely ecstatic. However I soon realised I hadn't made the right choice because I couldn't forget about the pain he had put me through. This was when I asked myself the question, do people change? He seemed adamant that he could, and would, and in fact had already. But in fact it became clear as time went on that he hadn't and probably never ever would. Once a bastard, always a bastard.
Since I plucked up the courage to end it and stop him stifling me any longer, I've only seen him once. That was four weeks ago, in Manchester when we ended up staying in a hotel together. Not surprisingly I ended up falling for him all over again and wanting us to get back together but I suspect it was a ploy of his to allow him to take control. As soon as he had me back where he wanted me he took the opportunity to fuck with my head and leave me hanging, breaking my heart all over again.
I'm not over it. I don't think I'll be over it for a long time, no matter how hard I try to make myself forget. I loved him with every part of me and before he finished with me so cruelly in July, I would never have hurt him. I know I've said some hurtful and nasty things in the time since we split, but to be fair he has deserved them. His ex-girlfriend once described him as a 'headfuck' and now I completely know what she means. To be fair, I should have realised it the first time we split up, almost four years ago, and never allowed him back into my life. I only allowed him back because he seemed to be at an all-time low, and I thought that after two years apart from him I would never slip back into the same old feelings I once had. It was a recipe for disaster. Meeting your ex boyfriend for drinks when both of you have just come out of other relationships is never a good plan, especially when he is a complete and utter manipulating bastard like Luke.
I waited for him from March until the end of June whilst he was away with his job, and gave him unconditional love and support. I practically gave up my life, actually. Considering I'm at university and I was in my first year at the time, I can count on one hand the amount of times I went out at night during that period. It makes me sick to think about how badly how screwed me over when he got back. He made me a paranoid, insecure wreck for weeks, eventually finishing it in the most cruel way, which involved him locking me out of his house and forcing me to beg him through a catflap. A high up catflap I might add, I wasn't lying on the floor at any point.
And now I'm dying to see him. He's away again until the 30th and I know he will want to meet when he gets back. Part of me wants to....a big part. I want to go to a hotel again and have the most perfect night like we did four weeks ago. But I know that the next day he will screw me over yet again. Since two men have done the same thing since then, I don't trust any of them.
I am determined to stay single. It may be hard and horrible and lonely at times, especially at the moment as none of my housemates seem to want to go out so I have no way of taking my mind off things, but I am resolute in my idea. Single is better. Anyway, I have made a list of the criteria my next boyfriend will need and I must say, I don't think I'm going to be finding anyone to meet them in a while. Even though I'm only young, I've always fallen victim to the idea that I need a man to complete me. Probably why I career from one disastrous relationship to another.
Its not going to happen anymore. I am going to make myself complete without any male. They aren't worth it anyway. Especially not a bastard like Luke.